Warning: this post discusses suicidal feelings. Help always available from Samaritans on 116 123
Each day I will get up and make my bed, because each night it is me who has to lay in it.
August 30th 2016, after what had been four incredibly difficult years in what had been a very difficult life, I found myself sat on the cliff edge at Beachy Head, a notorious suicide spot on the South Coast of England.
I was at a point in my life where I couldn't go on struggling anymore. A point of utter crisis and desperation.
I had been seen sat on the cliff edge for an hour or two. I have no real memory of it apart from one thing.
An off-duty police officer was paragliding and he called out to me as he passed through the air. He approached me on foot and began talking to me, which brought me out of my catatonic state.
I was detained by the local Police under section 136 of the mental health act and taken to a place of safety.
Eventually I was referred to the community mental health team, seen by a Doctor and it was at this point that the BPD diagnosis was made.
From that point I saw myself on square one of a snakes and ladders board, a fresh start, square one, with what was going to be an up and down journey into understanding and learning to live with and manage my Borderline Personality Disorder.
I joined some mental health support charity groups, one in particular was IPSUM in Swindon.
This is where I started recording my poetry. People heard it, liked it and this encouraged me to write more.
The poem "I Have To Lay In It" was written around July 2017 and tackles periods including a suicide attempt in front of my ex (the mother of my youngest of three sons) the chaotic life I'd led, the addiction to prescription medication, recreational substances, and my alcoholism.
At the time of writing this I am 59 days sober after a 6 month period of drinking and isolation.
My poem searches for redemption, for forgiveness, and is an apology to those around me who I put through so much pain, so much bloody pain.
A poem which I will continue to perform.
A piece which I will continue to share.
written by scott
Help always available from Samaritans on 116 123