I was raised in a family where my father was the law, the controller and the punisher.
Incapable of showing any love, he often pretended submission and, oddly enough, at the same time required to be treated with devotion.
It was just another way of making me submit, yet more cruel because of the humiliation involved.
When you have been beaten until your mother steps in front of you so that he can't physically get to you and you have to kiss him goodnight, you just feel every word you're forced to say is another punch.
As far as I can recall, my aversion for any kind of authority started back then.
He wanted me to be the typical "normal" person who never steps out of line, but he didn't raise me as one.
I grew up making good and bad decisions, but always tried to escape any control.
Many - I'd say the majority - of the bad decisions were just a way to oppose to him and elude his power.
I just couldn't obey for the sake of some kind of superior order, I felt almost physically ill every time I had to.
Then one day I read the quote: "Non serviam", I will not serve, which is attributed to Lucifer when he refused to serve God in Heaven.
That quote spoke to me in the strongest way, it meant rejecting serving and being firm until the last consequences. It meant freedom.
Sometimes it would be easier to compromise, but building your own life, as a person and an artist, with that phrase in mind, gives you the possibility of knowing you're living it just the way you want it to be.
written by s